"Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged wound. That's where the light enters you. And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself" - Rumi
The pain I felt after that episode was the pain that I never imagined I could dealt with but the journey somehow truly help me to find the pieces of me. All praises to Allah for He has always be there for me and keep me stronger each day until now. I can never thank Him enough, really. It's like a wake up call. I woke up to a reality and opened my eyes very wide to it. Alhamdulilah, now i know where I go wrong. The problem started in my heart. It's all within myself actually because all this while, I thought I'm good and strong enough to keep the love to minimum until the day I officially become his wife. I thought I could balance everything but little did I know, that relationship change me slowly. As much as I want to keep the relationship casual, I started to take it lightly on my Ibadah without even realize it. In short, I had unconsciously put my 'in love' mood above my Ibadah. For example, I used to read Al-Quran every night before I go to sleep but during the love episode, I was too busy thinking about us, our future plans. All I have in mind at that time was, "It's okay, I can continue read Al-Quran later" but I didn't do it and slowly, I left the Al-Quran unread.
That was just one of the mistakes but trust me, I am not proud of what I have done. I've failed before but I decided to not continue failing. So I started searching, reading and understand more about Islam. I don't do this for anyone else, I do it for myself, to please my Creator. Yes deep in my heart, I really want to get married early but I don't even know exactly when the time will come. To be honest, I find it hard to trust guys after what had happened. So I think it would be better for me to leave it to Allah and just stick with my choice for arranged marriage or love after marriage. What I really want to do right now is to improve myself and istiqomah with my Ibadah, InsyaAllah. It is not easy but I believe it is not hard either. Allah will always be there to help those who want to be helped. Allah loves us so much that He will never leave us to fight alone. I know that each of us has their own struggle. Just remember that sometimes through pain and hardship only you can find the secret of happiness.
“Allah does not burden a soul with more than it can bear.” (Qur’an 2: 286)
I always remind myself of this : DO NOT THINK WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH OR BETTER THAN OTHERS BECAUSE OUR IMAN ALWAYS GOES UP AND DOWN. TRY TO ISTIQOMAH, BE HUMBLE AND STAY FIRM ON THAT PATH. INSYAALLAH ALLAH WILL ALWAYS PROTECT AND GUIDE US TO THE END.
I agree with Rumi and I will never forget the wound because that is how I come to realize my mistake. I thank Allah for whatever happened before and for giving me the chance to find myself again. For me, looking back at the past doesn't make you a loser nor it means that you're not moving on but by looking at the past you can actually see the courage that made you the person you are today. The past can actually give you the answer to why you act the way that you do so take the lessons learned with you as you move forward. So peeps, don't give up, learn from the past, start to find the wisdom behind each of the trial and you will lead a better future, InsyaAllah.